~living this beautiful messy life~



I’m having a bit of a ‘comparison’ dilemma at the moment and whilst I know that comparing oneself to others is never a healthy or helpful thing – I’m just not quite sure how to get it “out of my system”…

It makes it that much harder – because the person I am making the comparison with, is my Love.

My Love is 5 years older than me, and is a healthy happy vibrant person, who loves work, thrives on interacting with clients, and would happily be available to ‘work-life’ 24/7.
My Love also delights in zooming round our Farm on the ride-on. 😀
My Love is an extrovert.
(well, actually – she’s an ambivert – but thats a whole other different topic! lol )

Me – on the other hand – …I am happily a hermit; I’m itching to be able to resign from my job and spend all of my days at home, I have a genetic tendency toward depression if I don’t keep a check on myself; the people at work often drive me a special-kind-of-crazy; I’m an over-thinker, and I literally have to force myself to go out and be sociable – even with those friends whom I adore!!
I am an introvert.

I get that we’re different.
I get that those differences are actually complimentary, and are a good balance in our relationship.

But what I have difficulty with is how my ‘inability to cope‘, compares to my Loves ‘ability to cope‘.

Let me try to explain better…

At the end of my work day – and remember I only work a 7 hour day compared to my Loves 10 hours work day (!!)- I am thoroughly depleted.
I am tired.
I am physically, emotionally and mentally drained.
I feel like every ounce of energy and Life has been sucked right out of me.

And after work, I usually have a few chores to get done, like grocery shopping, or going to the post office – then its off home to do dishes, tidy up the house, and organise what we’re going to have for dinner.
(I try to meal-plan, but it doesn’t always work!)

Most days I also need to hand-water some area of the Farm – whether its the Orchard, the Front Beds, the House Yard, or the Nursery.

The jobs that I do after I get home, are the parts of the day that I love.
They fill me back up.
They give me ‘purpose’, and they calm my soul.

But…I’ve gotta say – some days after work, its a struggle just to get started, because I feel so damn mangled from being at work.

Some days I just can’t face that trip to the supermarket after work, and I get my Love to pick up whatever it is we need.
This isn’t an issue, my Love is more than happy to go get whatever – the problem is that *I* have an issue with asking someone who works 10hr days, to ‘pick up my slack‘.

We share the cooking because we each cook some things better than others – and thankfully my Love enjoys cooking.

But when I’m “in a mood” from being at work, and honestly just can’t-be-fucked, I don’t think its right or fair to ask my Love to sort out dinner!
Once again – my Love doesn’t mind in the least – but *I* mind!

I also have pretty crap health – and whilst I have times when I am much better – there are times when I am much worse as well.

My back and hip issues and the associated pain and risk inhibits or outright prevents me from doing a lot of the jobs I either want to do, or need to do.
My pulmonary complications also inhibits my physical ability to do certain things, and due to the lack of oxygenation – if I push myself too hard, or the air quality is poor, or I have a cold etc – it quickly causes lethargy and tireless.

And it reallllly grinds my gears that I so often need to ask my Love to step-up-to-the-plate on my behalf!!

I’m asking someone 5 years older than me, who works all hours of the day and night to provide for us – to do even more!

Sure – I get a lot done around the place.
I make a decent contribution to our Home and Life.
I am never made to feel guilty because I either can’t do, or can’t face doing something.

But some days I just can’t help but compare.

I’m 5 years younger, I work part-time in a job thats waaaay less demanding and I finish work hours before my Love does…

WHY can’t I just get-my-shit-together!!!

And as a result of this crap that I put upon myself – at some point, most days, I feel like an utter failure…

Not just because i compare the proverbial apples with oranges, but because I either can’t manage to achieve what i want to, or I am so sore and exhausted by the end of the day that I feel like a whiney pathetic poorly lil sook!!

And that make me equal parts sad and angry… 😐

And even though my ‘smart-self’ knows otherwise – I can’t but help feel “less than”…

I’d love to hear others stories, or tips.
Hope you’re having a good week!




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